


From the Look of It

by InTheShadows



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (which is something completely new for me), Don't copy to another site, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Steve Is A Bit Not Good, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, he's trying to make up for it though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 08:09:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19247227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheShadows/pseuds/InTheShadows
Summary: The day Steve finally finds Bucky is the day Natasha finally confirms that the Winter Soldier did indeed murder the Starks. Because of course it is. This kind of timing is exactly what his life has turned into anymore. Not that there is a good time to find out that your brainwashed best friends was forced to kill your boyfriends parents. Or to tell said boyfriend for that matter. But tell Tony Steve will because there is nothing else he can do. He can't be selfish. Not about this.





	From the Look of It

**Author's Note:**

> **EDIT A/N** Yes, there use to be three chapters to this story, but I decided that I didn't want the first two chapters/versions floating around here anymore. Honestly I found them a bit cringey, and thus removed them. But I know some people liked this so I'm keeping it up. (This was supposed to be the only part I published originally anyways.) (Sorry if you liked chapter 1 or 2, but yeah, no I can't.)

The day Steve finally finds Bucky after months of searching and dead ends is the same day he gets confirmation on the Stark assassination. Because of course it is. That’s the way his life works any more after waking up in this crazy new century.

“You couldn’t have had better timing?” Steve sighs as he listens to Natasha’s report. On the other side of the room Bucky is asleep on the couch, covered by the blanket Steve had pulled over him. He can’t help glancing over every couple of minutes to make sure he is still there. That he hasn’t run away. That he isn’t a figment of his imagination come back to haunt him yet again.

“When would that be?” Natasha asks. She raises an eyebrow at him to show exactly what she thinks of the question. “Before you found Barnes when you would be worried about Tony pulling funding? Or after, when Barnes is already established and recovering, using Tony’s resources?”

Steve grimaces, unable to give her an answer. His first instinct is to protest Bucky’s innocence. The second is to deny it is about Tony withdrawing his funding and support. The first one she already knows and the second - well. It’s complicated.

Then he gives an internal shake of his head. No, it’s not complicated. It’s that Steve is being selfish. Everyone expects so much of him now. He’s Captain America and Captain America is the perfect hero. The all around American good guy that defends the weak, fights for freedom and always does the right thing. Well all and good for a propaganda figure, but that has never been Steve. Steve had been the stubborn one who never knew how to back down from a fight. He hated bullies and wanted to defend his country. Captain America was only a stage name. Even when it followed him into combat he wasn’t a real person. Steve Rogers, the man under the cowl, was.

Somewhere along the line people forgot about that. The first time he heard himself referred to as the perfect soldier be about laughed himself sick. He had been out of the ice less than a week, had been told that they won the war, but he lost everything and everyone he had ever known and people were in _awe_ of him. He could see it in their eyes. Read it in their faces even when they tried to hide it. Like he was some sort of deity returned from the dead. Not a man, but a legend. He had hated it - hates it still. They aren’t in awe of him. They are in awe with a myth - a person who never really existed. He’s just a kid from Brooklyn.

He had felt so lost in this new century - lost and alone and so very afraid of losing himself in the expectations of others. How was he supposed to remember who he was when all anyone wanted was the hero? That’s what he was to them. That’s what they needed him to be. Not Steve Rogers. Not that scrawny, stubborn kid from Brooklyn. Some days it felt like Steve Rogers died in the ice. Captain America was all that was left. He tried so hard to hold onto himself - but he doesn’t think he did a very good job of it.

That’s why he had been so ecstatic - beyond ecstatic - to learn that Bucky was still alive. A part of his past was alive. And yes it is horrifying what he had to go through to get here, but he was _alive_. Suddenly it was like he wasn’t quite so lost. Like it was possible to recapture that part of himself that he had lost. He was never Captain America to Bucky. He was ‘punk’ and ‘hard headed little fool’ and ‘together till the end of the line’. He was one of the best parts his past had to offer.

But here’s the thing - while part of him was living in the past another part had been moving on in the future. Had been making a life here. And there is one very important part of this future that he treasures more than anything - Tony. For all that they had a rocky start somehow that had changed completely. At first Steve thought Tony was brash and arrogant and a representation of everything wrong with this century. But as he got to know him better that changed. Tony was loud and abrasive yes, but he was so smart and so damn caring. Tony has the biggest heart Steve has ever seen, even if he insists on hiding it so thoroughly from the rest of the world.

They had been dating for three months now - just two weeks before Steve learned that Bucky was alive - but still he can’t imagine a life without him. He is falling and falling fast for this mad, brilliant genius of his. He thought he fell hard with Peggy. Ha! Maybe if they had more time together it would have built to this intensity, but they didn’t. Realistically they had hardly any time at all. Were hardly anything at all but a promise of unspoken possibilities. He may miss Peggy something fierce, but all they ever were was a chance waiting to happen. A chance they never got to have.

What he has with Tony is so very real. It is like lighting a fire in him every time they are together. It chases away the cold that seems to have settled in his bones. For all that he’s known Tony for so short a time compared to Bucky he is still just as important. Just as vital. He needs Tony in his life just as much as Bucky. Sometimes it scares him, just how fast it happened. Too fast. But he can’t stop himself even if he wanted to.

And now that everything is so close to coming together it is threatening to fall apart. He tries to console himself that selfishness isn’t the _only_ reason he is in this position. He does have other reasons - ones he still stands by, even in the face of this. But none of them make the situation any better.

“Are you sure?” he asks, ignoring how desperate - how wrecked - his voice sounds. Now is not the time to fall apart.

Natasha gives him a single firm nod. “I made sure.” She isn’t completely unsympathetic from the look she gives him. “What are you going to do?” she asks.

Steve hesitates.

Natasha stares back at him challengingly.

He knows her opinion on the matter. It’s not as if she has bothered to keep it to herself. And he knows what he should do, no matter what. Shame wells up inside him at his hesitation and he buries his head in his hands. Why did it have to be true? Why, _why_ did it have to happen this way? If only it had been literally any other way. But it hasn’t and now he is going to have to face the consequences of it.

The hand that settles on his shoulder startles him. He jumps, looking up to see Natasha standing in front of him. He hadn’t heard her move at all. “What I have to do,” he finally answers. The only answer he can give, no matter how much he doesn’t want to do this. And not just for himself either. He may be acting selfish, but not _that_ selfish.

She squeezes his shoulder in support. “I’ll stay here while you go.”

“Right.” He gives her a tight nod, casts one last look at Bucky still sleeping and forces himself to stand. If he doesn’t move now he never will.

:::

“Apple pie!” Tony calls as soon as Steve walks into the workshop.

It is still a place that amazes and baffles him by turn, even to this day. Even now when he is use to most things the future has to offer this place makes him stop and stare. He can’t help it. There’s just so much he doesn’t understand. Bucky was always more into sci fi then he was. He will love this place - love Tony - when he sees it.

 _If_ he sees it. If Tony ever wants to see him again after this. If Tony ever wants to meet Bucky after learning the truth. He wouldn’t necessarily blame him, but that wouldn’t make it any easier to bear either.

Tony doesn’t notice his shift in mood as he comes over and pulls him down for a kiss. Or maybe he does and is ignoring it. Sometimes he has to remind himself not to underestimate Tony like everyone else seems to do.

He returns the kiss because it is impossible for him not to. Not with Tony right here, warm and alive and pressed right up against him. He’s only human after all. Plus if this is the last time he ever gets to then he wants to remember this. When they break apart Steve doesn’t pull away, only tucks Tony’s head under his chin. He loves how he is just the perfect height for that.

“Something wrong sunshine?” Tony asks and begins to run a hand up and down his back soothingly.

Steve hums, but doesn’t answer beyond that. He buries his nose into Tony’s hair and sniffs. It’s mainly workshop scent right now - all sweat and motor oil - but underneath is still the faintest scent of the shampoo he uses and the hand cream so that his skin doesn’t crack. It smells like coming home.

“I found Bucky,” he says because he can’t keep putting this off forever, much as he would like to.

Tony tightens his hold briefly before returning to caressing his back. “That’s great Brooklyn. Now there will be two of you running around, causing old man havoc and complaining about this new fangled century.”

Steve makes a faint noise of amusement. And here comes the age jokes. Not exactly his favorite, but they grow on a person after a while. Not that he would ever admit that because then Tony would really never stop. One thing though is that he never uses Captain America jokes or nicknames. Not anymore. The closest he’ll get is patriotic jokes.

It’s something Steve is unbearably thankful for and something Tony did all on his own. Once they started to get to know each other they had just disappeared completely. He gets the feeling that Tony has his own issues with the title. More from what he doesn’t say than what he does. He also gets the sense that maybe he should have punched Howard in the face once or twice when he had the chance, but that’s also something they don’t talk about.

“Thought you’d be more excited about this.” Tony’s voice draws him out of his thoughts.

“I am,” Steve says because good Lord is he ever. “ _I am_ . He is - Bucky is _alive_ and he’s currently sleeping on my couch _okay_ and _safe_ and _p_ _resent_ and _Tony_ -” he breaks off temporarily getting swept up in the excitement all over again. He can feel Tony’s smile against his skin.

“I’m real happy for you honey buns,” he says, “You’ll have to bring him around when he’s feeling up to it. See if he remembers any embarrassing stories about you.”

Steve snorts because if he _does_ remember then Bucky has a lifetime of those. But it is also a stark reminder of what needs to happen first. “Tony there’s something I need to tell you.”

The muscles in Tony’s arms jump at that, but his smile stays firmly on his face. “Alright then champ, lay it on me. What’s up?”

“Maybe somewhere else?” The last thing he wants to do is give Tony a bad memory to associate with this place. It is too important to him.

Tony’s expression doesn’t change so much as shift. He nods and they head to the elevator hand in hand.

They end up in the penthouse which while not exactly ideal is still better than the workshop.

“Maybe you should sit down?” Steve asks more than says.

“For god sakes,” Tony snaps, “if you are going to break up with me than just get on with it already.”

The words completely blindside Steve as does the fear and insecurity beneath the anger. Break up with him? What in the world? It is impossible for him not to react to that. “Break up with you? Oh no sweetheart, never.” He crosses the space between them in three big steps and physically picks Tony up to hug him.

It’s a testament to Tony’s mental state that he neither complains or makes a kink joke. He just clings back desperately as if he needs to hold onto Steve so that he doesn’t disappear.

Steve kisses him then, long and hard. How can he not with this impossibly beautiful man in his arms? His hands cradle Tony’s thighs, holding him up as they kiss.

Tony, for his part, wraps his legs around Steve’s waist and buries his hands into his hair. “At least you didn’t say we needed to talk,” he pants when they pull away.

A smile tugs at the edges of Steve’s mouth. “No,” he agrees, “even I know better than that.” He leans in to steal another quick kiss before regretfully pulling back. “Not breaking up with you.”

“Oh good,” Tony says all fake cheer and press smile, still desperately holding on, “that’s one worry out of the way. Shall we move on to number two then?”

Steve sighs and sets them both on the couch. Tony doesn’t move away, pressing himself right up against him. Well that’s going to change soon he’s sure. “Tony I-” he begins then shakes his head, “Bucky, he- you know how HYDRA brainwashed him for-” he breaks off again, “HYDRA, they-” he sighs in aggravation. This is going even worse than he thought.

Tony eyes him warily, backing up so there is now space between them. His eyes are bright and you can practically see his mind working. It’s no surprise that he comes to the right conclusion quickly. “Alright buttercup, on a scale of one to ten how much am I going to hate who he was forced to murder?” he asks bluntly.

“Twelve?” Steve guesses.

“Oh that’s real encouraging right there let me tell you,” he huffs, “I feel so much better now.”

Steve shrugs, not sure how to respond to that. It’s not as if he has any reassurances to offer. Twelve might even end up being too optimistic.

“Just spit it out Rogers,” Tony commands.

“You’re parents,” Steve obeys on reflex, “The Winter Soldier killed your parents.”

Dead silence. It honestly seems that in that moment that the world around them stops as Tony takes in his confession. Neither of them move, Neither of them _breathe_. Then-

“Did you know?” Tony asks.

Steve hesitates.

“While you were searching, while I was helping you all this time - _did you know_?” Tony repeats harshly.

“I suspected,” he admits and then holds up his hand to stall Tony’s response, “I know. _I know_ sweetheart, but could I just get one thing out before you start?”

Tony gives him a short nod, rage and betrayal bright in his eyes.

“I first found out during SHIELD’s fall. Remember how I told you about the bunker and meeting Zola again? Or his brain anyways.”

Tony gives another tense nod. His hands clench together where they are sitting in his lap.

“Well he implied that HYDRA - that Bucky as the Soldier - had been involved in their deaths. But I didn’t know,” he says desperately, “I didn’t know for sure and that is the reason I never said anything. I wanted to spare you this if I could.”

Tony opens his mouth to say something, but Steve presses on. Now that he is going he can’t stop. “I never mentioned it because what if it was a lie? What if it was a lie designed to hurt us both? To tear us apart? I don’t know if he realized we were together or not, but he knew we were on the same team together. What if it was an attack on the Avengers? I honestly thought that it was a real possibility. Maybe I was grasping at straws, in denial, but I did.

“What if I told you this - or even the possibility - and it ended up being false? I would have hurt you and all for nothing. And hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do. So I asked Nat to look into it for me. I wanted to be sure before I said anything. She just found out the truth today.”

He looks Tony right in the eyes. “I promise sweetheart that I came over as soon as she told me. Maybe I was selfish - no, I know I was selfish, keeping this possibility from you. I know that even if I don’t like admitting it. But as soon as I knew for sure I came to tell you. And I promise that, if I had known that Zola wasn’t trying to play us both, I would have told you much sooner. _I promise_ ,” he adds as a desperate plea to be believed even if he doesn’t deserve it. Then he stops, done. That’s all he has to say. Nothing to do now but wait.

It takes a moment for Tony to react. At first he just sits there, frozen. Then he part way leaps, part way stumbles at Steve.

A punch lands on his shoulder, but he barely feels it. Tony clings to him, badly shaking with his emotions. He claws at Steve, trying to get closer and Steve pulls him in. Nails dig into his back in a desperate violent hug. He bites down on the junction between Steve’s neck and shoulder to muffle the noises he is making.

Steve just holds him, running a gentle hand over his skin, trying to offer what support he can. It hurts his heart to feel Tony shaking like this, knowing there is nothing he can do to help. What he wouldn’t have done to spare him this. But he can’t. It makes him feel worthless and useless all at once. He is the one who caused this, but at the same time what else could he have done? Lie to him? Not tell him? That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, even if it didn’t make his insides squirm with guilt at the mere idea of it.

Teeth dig into his skin sharp enough to make him bleed, but he doesn’t say anything. This is the least of what he deserves. It tightens his hold, trying to keep him from falling apart completely. Tony isn’t exactly crying, but he’s not exactly not at the same time. He’s never been this open with his emotions before, never trusting enough and now the reason for it is one of the worst. He didn’t think he could hate HYDRA any more then he did before this. But now, holding Tony in his arms as his heart breaks, that hate reaches a new level.

He’s not sure how long they stay like that until Tony pulls away. There is blood on his mouth - Steve’s blood. Gently he reaches up and wipes it away. Tony lets him. Carelessly he cleans his hand off on his jeans. As if he is worried about a small thing like staining right now. And as if he isn’t well familiar with the ways to treat blood stains.

Tony stares at him, eyes hard.

Steve stares back, trying to give him what he needs. Blood runs down his neck into his shirt. He continues to ignore it. It’s a sharp sting in the back of his mind, that’s all. Still the sensation makes his shoulder twitch.

The movement draws Tony’s eyes to it. He looks vaguely surprised under that hard, blank look.

“Gonna have to put the armour on if you want to leave more of a mark than that.” And maybe it’s stupid to remind Tony of his armour right now, but he doesn’t care.

“Maybe I will,” Tony mutters, but doesn’t make a move. Barely blinks as he continues to stare Steve down. It is as if he is staring down straight into his soul to see all his sins.

The silence stretches on.

Steve begins to fight the urge to fidget. While he is willing - more than willing - to give Tony what he needs the tension is definitely getting to him. As if he needs any more reason to feel guilty. Finally he can take it no more and asks, “Is this the part where you throw me out the window?”

“I really wouldn’t tempt me right now,” Tony says with a deadly calmness.

Steve gets the message and shuts up.

After an eternity Tony finally says, “I’m still pissed as all hell at you and I really don’t want to see your face right now, but thank you for telling me the truth.”

Steve’s heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach, but he nods in acceptance, refusing to let that show on his face. This isn’t about him right now. This is about Tony. “Right,” he says and stands to leave, “I know these are probably meaningless words to you, but I really am sorry. About everything.” Damn Zola. Damn HYDRA. If it weren’t for them Steve wouldn’t be losing one of the best things he has ever known.

Each step he takes feels like he is wading through mud, but he forces himself on. He isn’t going to be that person who continues to be where he isn’t wanted. Where he has no right to be. Part of him wants to beg forgiveness, wants to make it up to him anyway he can, but that isn’t what Tony wants.

The bite begins to itch something fierce. Just another reminder right now. After what feels like an eternity he reaches the door. He has to force himself not to look back, but he can’t help the pause.

“Steve,” Tony calls then.

Steve freezes, listening.

“Give me a couple of weeks Brooklyn, then we’ll see.”

Now _that_ makes Steve turn and stare. What? Hope begins to bloom in his chest without his permission. “You mean you aren’t breaking up with me?” he has to ask. Because he has to be misunderstanding something here. Tony clearly meant it some other way and his heart is getting in the way of hearing right. But-

“I am not going to lose you to HYDRA,” he declares, “If Howard can’t take you from me than neither can they.”

It’s on the tip of his tongue to ask what he means, but Steve pushes it down. Now is most definitely _not_ the time. “Really?”

Tony tilts his head up, ever the image of the proud hero refusing to back down. “Never let anyone tell you that spite isn’t an excellent motivator.”

Steve has to laugh at that, half from relief and half because how very _Tony_ that is. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He offers a shy smile which isn’t returned, but isn’t rejected either. “Thank you,” he can’t help but say.

Tony snorts. “Don’t thank me yet Rogers. You haven’t begun to see what my high maintenance self is going to require after this.”

The threat doesn’t scare Steeve at all. Not because he thinks Tony won’t follow through with it, but because that means he’ll be around to see it. That he isn’t losing Tony after all. “I look forward to it,” he says sincerely.

“And today we also learn that Steve Rogers is a masochist,” he rolls his eyes, “Now get out of here before I really do throw you out the window. And get that fellow popsicle of yours back on his feet. If I won’t let HYDRA win then neither can he.” He stops, hesitates and then continues, resolve in every line of his body. “I may have something that could help. It’s still in development, but we’ll see after it’s done.”

Hope explodes in his chest. Once again Steve is in awe of just how big Tony’s heart is. He has to hold back his declaration of love because he knows that right now it would be taken the wrong way. He absolutely does not want Tony thinking he said it only because of his offer to help Bucky. Or that it is a way to manipulate forgiveness. There will be time for that later, after he has healed. For now though, “You really are one of the best people I know sweetheart. And not just for this, but because of everything you do to help everyone who needs it. Never let anyone tell you differently.”

Tony huffs, but there is a hint of a smile working its way through the rage. “Out,” he orders, pointing his finger towards the door.

Steve nods and obeys. “The _best_ ,” he can’t help but add before he goes. Then he is out the door and into the elevator before he knows it. He lets out a long sigh. Well then. Something tells him that the future is going to be even more interesting than before.

 


End file.
